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November 03, 2004
Bush Defeats Kerry: Now What?
To 48% of the country's dismay, Bush was declared the official winner of the 2004 Presidential Election today. While I was skeptical of a Kerry victory (see Jeb Bush/Florida), I found it hard to believe that a man who lost ALL 3 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES would find his way to a re-election.
How can this be? Sadly, I think a large percentage of U.S. voters just don't care about important issues, like health care and education. Rather, they were simply looking to vote for a nice man with moral values. And who conveys morality more than the DUI-charged, (alleged) cocaine-snorter, George W. Bush?! Three words: America, Fuck Yeah!
Now that Dubya's locked in until 2008, I'm laying out my options for the future. (Let's assume for the sake of this post that staying in the U.S. is not one of them.)
1 - LOOTING
This isn't a solution per se, but one of my first gut reactions to the news of Bush's victory was to loot. No joke. If I have to deal with four more years of this administration, the least I deserve is a high definition television.
2 - LEAVING FOR CANADA, MEXICO OR ANOTHER FOREIGN COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T HATE US YET
Mexico has bad water, and the Euro, valued higher than the dollar, makes Europe a costly option. Canada is the natural emigration choice.
Unfortunately, it's not as easy as one may think to become a Canuck. I'd have to wait in line with the rest of the wannabe immigrants, which could take up to a year. Hmmm... Perhaps I could push along the process quicker by marrying my way into the country. Hey, if it worked for Gerard Depardieu, why not me?
3 - ORGANIZE A PROPOSAL TO SECEDE THE NORTHEAST FROM THE REST OF THE UNION
Now here's an idea! As time goes by, the south and midwest are becoming increasingly conservative, while the northeast and west remain liberal. Reference the mass popularity of extremists like Bill O'Reilly and Michael Moore for evidence.
If the country is so divided by principles, why is it important to keep us united? Seriously, New England and the Mid-Atlantic states could easily break off (see picture above) and form a nice little country. We can name it: New Atlantic?...Liberalia?...Fredonia? The south wouldn't miss us.
Hell, if a vote for this goes through, we'll even keep P. Diddy! It's a win-win situation for all.
Posted by Michele at November 3, 2004 10:14 PM
Comments
Why don't we all move to Hawaii and secede? That sounds a lot more attractive then being stuck in the frigid northeast.
Posted by: Brian at November 4, 2004 10:26 AM
I'm all for the secession of the northeast...we can call ourselves Yankeeland (not after the baseball team) and really scare the crap out of the southerners. Kerry/Edwards can be our leaders...let's face it, I'm up for anything that let's me see John Edwards' sweet face more over the next 4.
Posted by: Stacie at November 4, 2004 11:44 AM
By the look of the colored map, we could easily take MI, MN, IL, and WI with us. Not that they're worth much but it allows us to touch Illinois. And we get the great lakes!
Posted by: Larry at November 4, 2004 01:57 PM
One caveat however, your college football teams would be very bad. Very very bad. Bad.
Posted by: Brian at November 4, 2004 05:41 PM
I think our new nation should be called the National Federation of Common Sense. Our leader should be Bill Clinton with John Edwards as VP. Our national anthem should be "We are the Champions" by Queen. Just a thought...
Posted by: Tisha at November 4, 2004 11:53 PM
