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November 30, 2004
Eastern Mountain Whore
When I moved to Manhattan last spring, I set up my home phone online. The robust Verizon website, among other things, allowed me to pick out my phone number from a select list. I like whole numbers, so I immediately chose the number with the "9860" extension.
9860 = nice, round, juicy, whole number.
It didn't take long to realize that whole isn't necessarily better. Apparently, my number belonged to the Soho Eastern Mountain Sports in its former life. That meant ANYONE - I repeat ANYONE - looking for camping equipment with an old phone book would reach me, not the store.
The first month I was very pleasant. I politely told people they had the wrong number, explained the situation, then gave them the correct number to the store. (Yes, I actually looked up the number under the warped hope that the more people I helped, the faster the calls would decrease. This was a wrong assumption.)
Then the calls began waking me up on weekends. Soon after, I began to realize that strangers looking for kayaks in NYC far outweighed friends who actually phoned me. At this time, I had no choice but to plug in the ole answering machine and screen all incoming calls.
Now, the message on my machine goes a little something like this: "Hi, I'm not home right now. Please leave a message, and I'll get back to you soon." Pretty obvious this is NOT EMS, right?
Unfortunately, not all people get it. The following is an approximate percentile breakdown of how EMS customers have responded upon hearing my message:
80% - Hang up (The correct action!)
10% - Leave a message like so: "I was looking to buy XXXXXX. Can you please call me back and let me know if you have it in stock?"
8% - Leave a message like so: "Hi. I was trying to reach Eastern Mountain Sports, but this doesn't sound like it. Sorry."
2% - Yell about a package that needed to be delivered to EMS. (This was from an angry UPS employee.)
...And for the first time ever, I received a message this weekend from someone...informing me...that I had the same phone number as Eastern Mountain Sports!! She told me she found the number on the web, and just wanted to let me know.
Sure this "news" was anything but groundbreaking. But after months of deleting empty messages, I was honestly touched by this selfless action. My faith in humanity was restored for a few hours.
Let's hope the recent release of the new Verizon SuperPages will ring in a new day for me.
Posted by Michele at 10:27 PM | Comments (3)
November 21, 2004
Yo' Mom is So Wack that...
This weekend I got sucked into an episode of MTV's reality show Date My Mom. Here's how the show works: One hormonal teenage boy goes on individual dates with three random mothers. During these dates, each mom must convince him that her wanton spawn is the most worthy candidate. At the end of the half hour, the boy then chooses one of the daughters
In the episode I watched, there was a particularly striking mother. While on her date, she - let's call her Mrs. Giggles - confesses to the boy: "I'm not sure what's bigger: My daughter's IQ or her bra size. Ha, ha, ha, ha." She then tells the kid that she paid for her daughter's breast enhancement, and afterwards, decided to get one herself. She figured it would be more authentic if the breasts looked hereditary. What's that Lassie? Oh yeah, Mom has gone f@!kin' crazy!
Well in the end, the boy, in what can only be described as an act of God, does not choose the crazy mom's daughter. (Btw, I would've mentioned that one of the other teenage daughters worked at Hooters, but that's irrelevant at this point.)
So after the dashing lad goes off into the sunset with his newfound sweetheart, the devious Mrs. Giggles and crazy daughter close the show with these parting words:
Daughter: I guess he's not a boob man. Then I guess he's not a REAL man.
Mom: Yeah, I guess not. Ha, ha.
(Mom and daughter embrace with exuberant laughter.)
What you have just read is reason #2,379 why the terrorists hate us.
Posted by Michele at 11:33 PM | Comments (0)
November 19, 2004
Sex, Drugs & Billy Joel
If you possess an undying passion for pop culture, you must read Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. This man is brilliant, analyzing topics like Saved By The Bell, The Real World and The Empire Strikes Back to unparalleled depths.
In my favorite chapter, he muses on piano man Billy Joel. His essential theory is that Billy Joel is a man so uncool that he's cool. His musical genius lies in his personal mediocrity.
No truer words have ever been said about this Long Island maestro.
Klosterman's analysis got me thinking about Billy Joel's application to my own life. While I wouldn't claim myself to be a huge fan (see "uncool" paragraph above), his music has always been pervasive.
What's particularly interesting is how his music has evolved for me personally. I've never had just one favorite Billy Joel song. In fact, what I would categorize as my favorite Billy Joel song has changed quite frequently over time:
Age 7 - Allentown (inspiring; reminds me of grandparents)
Age 12 - Just The Way You Are (puberty + JTWYA song = irony)
Age 16 - Don't Ask Me Why (spanish flavor)
Age 17 - My Life (sick of parents; need to leave nest)
Age 19 - Only The Good Die Young (the religion debate)
Age 28 - The Stranger (?)
With other bands or artists I love, I find a favorite song and stick with it. My favorite Beastie Boys song has pretty much always been "So What'cha Want." Favorite Steely Dan song, "Don't Take Me Alive." Favorite Clash song "Train In Vain." But not Billy...
I can only believe that Billy Joel seeped through my skin when I was a young girl, and has remained there ever since, changing and growing with me. Kinda like DNA.
Posted by Michele at 02:09 PM | Comments (0)
November 16, 2004
Korean Prodigy, Part 2
Mo Kin, our favorite North Korean tot, is back and cuter than ever. Not only can she play the xylophone like a lil' mo fo, but she can sing too. Check out her latest video here.
Posted by Michele at 02:30 PM | Comments (2)
November 15, 2004
My Weekend of Intra-Apartment Adventure
For the past few weeks, I've been getting a gusty draft in the window right next to my bed. In such instances, I usually opt to ceaselessly complain to anyone who will listen about this problem, but this weekend, I decided to complain, and then actually do something about it.
So I went to the new Home Depot on 23rd Street. Stereotyping the help, I set out to find a handy middle-aged man (race not an issue) with the experience to advise me with my draft problem. Apparently, every other customer was a bigot too, for I couldn't find a freakin' unoccupied person who fit my profile. Forty-five minutes later, I gave up and decided to confront a teenage lad.
What do ya know? He told me exactly what I needed - a Windown Insulation Kit - and even gave me the extra boost of confidence to install it myself: "It's really easy to do yo."
So I journeyed home, and around 11:30 p.m., decided it was a fine time to begin the installation process. First, I had to outline the window with double stick tape. In doing this, I was forced to raise the blinds, and thus, expose myself to all of Orchard Street. I'm sure the two bouncers across the street found me smokin' hot in my mismatched flannel pajamas.
Next, I stripped off the top side of double stick tape, and gradually began affixing the garbage bag-like plastic over my windows, making sure to keep wrinkles to a minimum. Finally, if I didn't look crazy enough, I had to take a hair dryer and blow it over the entire window's surface, ensuring the bond and killing all final wrinkles. I'm sure you can imagine what an ass I looked like. At least I was warm again.
On Sunday, I opted to stay in and save money. I turned on the tele and proceeded to flip through about 920 channels, until somehow, I landed on CMT. CMT, as in Country Music Television. While I don't dislike country, I wouldn't normally consider myself a fan. Yet sometimes, I find myself strangely drawn to it. I guess it's a jungle fever of sorts.
The Top Twenty Countdown was on, and I thought I'd check in to see a few videos, then move on. Four "Shania-filled" hours later, I shut the damn thing off and cooked dinner.
Country music is full of talented people, but the question remains: Why is there such a gender dichotomy? The women of country are thin and gorgeous; in fact, I've yet to see an unattractive one. They're a superspecies of twangy Barbie dolls unto themselves. Yet, most of the men look like they just got their ass kicked at the local rodeo, after an afternoon of wild hunting and boozin' (see Toby Keith). Why is this? If there are any country lovers out there, please explain.
Home repair, country viewing. For a second, I almost felt like a red stater. Almost.
Posted by Michele at 10:52 PM | Comments (3)
Make Gandhi Proud, Young Flame
In the best impersonation of Wax's "California" video ever, a crazy man tried to set himself on fire in front of the White House today, probably in protest of the Vietnam Iraq war.
If I could write a letter to this man, I would say:
**********************************
Dear Man Who Set Himself On Fire,
On behalf of all anti-war liberals, we appreciate the effort and feel your pain. We really do.
But I think more reasonable means of protest, like pissing on the White House lawn or chaining yourself to the White House fence sans food or clothing, would've been less harmful and just as sufficient. It worked for the suffragettes, why not you?
Please reflect on this as you recover in the hospital. Good luck, God bless, and remember...there's always Canada.
Michele
Democrat '04
http://www.ieatrice.com
**********************************
Posted by Michele at 02:52 PM | Comments (0)
November 14, 2004
Ol' Dirty Bastard: 1968-2004
Posted by Michele at 08:20 PM | Comments (2)
November 11, 2004
The Terrible Twos
Yup, it's happened already. Gaza City resident Safra Hassan gave birth to twins Thursday night, and named them Yasser and Arafat.
I think Arafat got the raw deal.
Posted by Michele at 11:21 PM | Comments (0)
Real Life Death Interrupts Fake Death
CBS News has just issued a non-Dan Rather-related public apology to its viewers. Apparently, some crazy CBS executive producer made a regretful decision last night. He...that bastard!...told broadcasters to interrupt the final minutes of CSI: New York with a special report announcing the death of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.
The balls, the audacity! Luckily, the channel has made good. The entire episode will be re-broadcast in its entirety this Friday at 10 p.m. EST.
Posted by Michele at 02:25 PM | Comments (0)
November 10, 2004
Creep, The Animation
If you're ironic, disillusioned and completely bored with life, you'll love monkeehub's animated interpretation of Radiohead's Creep.
Posted by Michele at 01:53 PM | Comments (1)
Party Like It's 1862!
Compare & contrast the two maps below. Interesting, eh?
Posted by Michele at 01:35 PM | Comments (1)
November 09, 2004
Red, White & Booze
"i still heart him the drunken fool" says Happy Robot's Cootie Girl in an email today. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Six-time U.S. Olympic Swimming athlete Michael Phelps was charged with drunken driving in Maryland last Thursday night. Watch his flag-wearin' innocence fade away and bask in its splendor. 'Til Beijing 2008!
Posted by Michele at 02:03 PM | Comments (2)
November 08, 2004
Six Feet Under R.I.P.
Executive producer/creator Alan Ball has announced that the upcoming fifth season of the HBO series Six Feet Under will be its last.
Once upon a time, Six Feet Under held the prestigious honor of being my favorite show on television. Last season changed all that. Between the crazy David hostage plot, Claire's all-too predictable pseudo-lesbian affair, and Nate's neverending spouts of immaturity, death for the Fisher family became all too inevitable.
Back to basic cable for me...
Posted by Michele at 02:13 PM | Comments (1)
November 04, 2004
Secession...Still Lookin' Really Good
At the Globalvote 2004 website, non-Americans were able to "vote" in our presidential election throughout the past three weeks.
No surprise, John Kerry won by receiving 40...50...60...77.1% of all votes! George Bush only garnered a measly 9%, less than 3 points above Ralph Nader.
Yup. The world-at-large understands the United States better than the majority of its own citizens. [Sigh]...
Posted by Michele at 11:18 PM | Comments (2)
November 03, 2004
Bush Defeats Kerry: Now What?
To 48% of the country's dismay, Bush was declared the official winner of the 2004 Presidential Election today. While I was skeptical of a Kerry victory (see Jeb Bush/Florida), I found it hard to believe that a man who lost ALL 3 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES would find his way to a re-election.
How can this be? Sadly, I think a large percentage of U.S. voters just don't care about important issues, like health care and education. Rather, they were simply looking to vote for a nice man with moral values. And who conveys morality more than the DUI-charged, (alleged) cocaine-snorter, George W. Bush?! Three words: America, Fuck Yeah!
Now that Dubya's locked in until 2008, I'm laying out my options for the future. (Let's assume for the sake of this post that staying in the U.S. is not one of them.)
1 - LOOTING
This isn't a solution per se, but one of my first gut reactions to the news of Bush's victory was to loot. No joke. If I have to deal with four more years of this administration, the least I deserve is a high definition television.
2 - LEAVING FOR CANADA, MEXICO OR ANOTHER FOREIGN COUNTRY THAT DOESN'T HATE US YET
Mexico has bad water, and the Euro, valued higher than the dollar, makes Europe a costly option. Canada is the natural emigration choice.
Unfortunately, it's not as easy as one may think to become a Canuck. I'd have to wait in line with the rest of the wannabe immigrants, which could take up to a year. Hmmm... Perhaps I could push along the process quicker by marrying my way into the country. Hey, if it worked for Gerard Depardieu, why not me?
3 - ORGANIZE A PROPOSAL TO SECEDE THE NORTHEAST FROM THE REST OF THE UNION
Now here's an idea! As time goes by, the south and midwest are becoming increasingly conservative, while the northeast and west remain liberal. Reference the mass popularity of extremists like Bill O'Reilly and Michael Moore for evidence.
If the country is so divided by principles, why is it important to keep us united? Seriously, New England and the Mid-Atlantic states could easily break off (see picture above) and form a nice little country. We can name it: New Atlantic?...Liberalia?...Fredonia? The south wouldn't miss us.
Hell, if a vote for this goes through, we'll even keep P. Diddy! It's a win-win situation for all.
Posted by Michele at 10:14 PM | Comments (5)
The War Is Over (Not Iraq)
AP is reporting that John Kerry is going to concede to President Bush at 2 p.m. today. Let the lies and deception continue...
Posted by Michele at 11:15 AM | Comments (1)
November 02, 2004
A Very Special Election Day
Tom Brokaw has been using scare tactics to get me to vote early, claiming that people have been waiting in line for up to four hours at polling venues. Granted, most footage shown has been from swing states. But as a resident of NYC's Lower East Side, I figured masses of button-wearing hipsters would flood the Kerry gates just the same.
I set my alarm for the painful hour of 6:30 a.m. (yes, I'm spoiled). I took my shower, dressed, slurped down some cereal, and headed a block over to the Ralph Hernandez Houses to cast my ballot.
Good news! The line to vote was very short. Bad news! My district's voting machine was broken. I had the option to vote by hand (shady) or wait an infinite amount of time for a machine fix. With my day job waiting, I chose the former.
Filling out the paper ballot was very reminiscent of taking grade school standardized tests. Only this time I knew the answers. With an all too clear flashback of Floridian chads, I made sure to fill in every Democratic circle with force and precision.
As I was filling in the last two circles, a voting volunteer informed me that the machine was fixed, and I could vote there instead. Which method should I choose? Would my paper ballot even be counted? Hmmm...looking at the chaos swirling around me, it would be a 50/50 chance. So I tossed my paper ballot and opted to wait in line again for the more secure machine.
After a 20 minute frenzy, my ballot for John Kerry was finally cast.
How was your voting experience? Please share! In the meantime, keep your fingers crossed that we won't all be moving to Canada in 2005.
Posted by Michele at 10:15 AM | Comments (2)
November 01, 2004
Get Out There And...
Why? Because you live in a country where you can.
Posted by Michele at 09:04 PM | Comments (1)
